B. Cavanaugh, M.D.'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar] B. Cavanaugh, M.D. profile recent entries add me friends [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

The end's not near, it's here. [03/24/08] As of 24-03-08, Brandy Jameson/Brandy Cavanaugh, whatever incarnation you want to use, will no longer be a part of any 'community' based story lines. Which isn't to say I'm shelving her, but I'm done with it. SO, if you're one of the few who actually care about Brandy's going-ons, or just want to keep up to date, cause you're bored, you can find her at her new home. All of her bio/history/sl information has been transferred over already. The journal will be friends only, though, so if you feel the need to watch, don't forget to request an add the journal. Thanks, Lex she still sings

Sometimes, you hold so tight, it slips right through your hands. [03/17/08] An empty room can be so deafening,     The silence makes you want to scream, it drives you crazy.     I chased away the shadows of your name, And burned the picture in the frame,     But it couldn't save me. And how could we quit something     We never even tried. Well you still can't tell me why,     We built it up to watch it fall, Like we meant nothing at all.     I gave and gave the best of me, But couldn't give you what you need.     You walked away, you stole my light Just to find what you're looking for,     But no matter how I try, I can't hate you anymore.     You're not the person that you used to be, The one I want, who wanted me     And that's a shame, but There's only so many tears that you can cry     Before it drains the light right from your eyes And I can't go on that way,     So I'm letting go of everything we were. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.         I Can't Hate You Anymore, Nick Lachey I just want to sleep. That's all I want, right now. PRIVATE I need help. I need help, and I know it, and. I can't give him a reason to take them away. Maybe that's not rational. He didn't seem interested in doing what Tristan had done. Maybe I'm just hiding behind my own fears. And, God. I wish Dodger was here, because he's the only one besides Jan who understands me. Understands this. Hell, he probably understands it better than Jan. I need help. I can't come out of this on my own. And that terrifies me. she still sings

[02/26/08] There are children to think of,     Baby's asleep in the back seat Wonder how they'll ever make it through     This living nightmare But the mind is an amazing thing,     Full of candy dreams and new toys Another ditch in the road, you keep moving.     Another stop sign, you keep moving on.         Savage Garden - Two Beds and a Coffee Machine It's getting harder. That's all a bit reversed, isn't it? I woke Erin up the other night. I was just. So angry, and hurting. And Erin saw me, after I'd smashed one of the pictures of me and Jan. Well. I didn't smash the picture. But the frame .. is gone. And I've somehow managed to pull Sherry away from Dante again, though she insisted on staying in a hotel so things didn't get even more confusing. She also insisted on dying my hair. I guess she thought it would make me feel better. You know. A change. It didn't work out. I mean, I don't hate it, or anything, but. It didn't make me feel any better. She also called me an idiot for refusing to see a therapist. Love my sister. Really. Anyway, I've got to start dinner. with a broken wing (3) she still sings

I hate how much I love you. [01/29/08] Standing at the back door,     she tried to make it fast One tear hit the hardwood,     it fell like broken glass She said sometimes love slips away     and you just can't get it back. For one split second, she almost turned around     But that would be like pouring raindrops Back into a cloud     So she took another step, Said I see the way out, and I'm gonna take it.     I don't want to spend my life jaded, Waiting to wake up one day and find     That I let all these years go by wasted.             Carrie Underwood - Wasted I can't pretend to understand everything yet. I don't understand why he did it. No, that's not true. Not entirely, anyway. I don't see how he could do this and .. then come back. I don't even know why the hell he came back. I don't think I want to know. Maybe this is the anger and the pain and a year's worth of mourning, but he just. He should have stayed dead. That's horrible to say, isn't it? But it's the truth. How am I supposed to deal with this? How am I supposed to forgive and forget? God, and he mentioned divorce papers. Divorce papers, from a dead man! I don't want this marriage to him. I can't want it, because I spent a year. Or damn well close enough. Trying to heal. Trying to move on. But divorce papers? I just. This is all too much for me to process, and forget about me. Erin doesn't know which way is up anymore. How am I supposed to heal her? And .. how can I ever go back to being a doctor when I can't heal my daughter .. when I can't even heal myself? The twins .. God. They are the lucky ones in this. They don't know 'daddy's' alive. I've been letting them spend more and more time with Tristan, though. There was a time when Tristan scared me so much that I didn't want Bella or RJ to have anything to do with him. And, Christ. Now I look at who the real danger is. Who the real .. unstable .. one is. Tristan may be a lot of things .. he may have been a lot of things. But. I don't know. He wouldn't have done this. Andreas. He's a callous son of a bitch. Or, he pretends to be, at least. And great in bed. But no matter how much he tries to hate me, I can't believe he would ever have done something like this, either. Maybe I'm just. Looking at it wrong. I just. Ice is going out of his way to be there for us. To be there, to confuse the kids even more .. and it's not his fault. I don't know what I would do without him here. I'd be crumbling. But yes. It does confuse them. They have their papa, they had their daddy. Now they have Ice, and I know he isn't trying to step into that role, and I would never put that on him, but. They don't understand this, any more than they know what happened to daddy to make him leave. Erin does, maybe. Maybe, eventually, this will all be some .. unpleasant dream. I'm not looking for a knight in shining armor. At this point, I'm just looking to be okay. with a broken wing (16) she still sings

The worst is over now. [Closed to Jan and his brother. - Friends Only] [01/09/08] I know it's late, I know you're weary     I know your plans don't include me Still, here we are, both of us lonely     Longing for shelter from all that we see Why should we worry, no one will care, now     Look at the stars now, so far away We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?     We've got tonight babe, why don't you stay?         - Ronan Keating, We've Got Tonight He'll never believe that I simply .. missed him. He'll never believe that I didn't wake up today and regret what happened. Because it's his nature to be pessimistic. Wary. But his disbelief in the truth doesn't change the truth, and. I don't know, maybe it was just longing for that connection. Maybe it was a long time coming. I won't assume it meant something earth shattering for him, or for us. Because, maybe I'm learning. You don't need to have the mountains move in order to have a connection with someone. Sex, with Andreas, will never mean nothing to me. But it doesn't have to mean some big rush into something that I don't think I'll ever rush into again. And I'm overthinking myself. It was .. amazing. He hasn't forgotten any of his moves, I'll say that. He hasn't gotten any worse at what he does. It was just as good as I remembered, and then some. And it was needed. I'm pretty sure Ice has a good idea of what went on, but .. he's still been nothing but good to me. To my family. And .. his Jez, she has a lot of questions. At least, I would assume. I don't know where I go from here. Jan is talking divorce, but how do you divorce a marriage that was dissolved by a death certificate? There was a time I would have fought for him. And, I can't condone what he's doing, by ignoring his children, by pushing them away. But I'm not going to fight him. I can't. I used up all of my fighting energy when I was grieving, alone, for ten months. When I thought I'd killed him, broken my vows. He didn't care then, so I won't care now. with a broken wing (5) she still sings

Disillusionment. [01/07/08] You're not the person that you used to be     The one I wanted, who wanted me And that's a shame, but     There's only so many tears that you can cry Before it drains the life right from your eyes     And I can't go on that way. And so I'm letting go of everything we were     It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. We built it up to watch it fall     Like we meant nothing at all I gave and gave the best of me,     But couldn't give you what you need. You walked away, you stole my life     Just to find what you're looking for.         - Nick Lachey, I Can't Hate You Anymore I don't know where to even begin. I don't .. even know how I can write. In .. all of my wildest imaginations, I never believed something like this could happen. I mean, maybe .. maybe the night he died, I imagined him sitting up, not needing the machines. But almost a year later? I thought I was seeing a ghost. I thought .. It wasn't a ghost. It .. for God's sake. He sat, wherever he was sitting, for almost a year, and let me think I had failed. As a doctor, as a wife. He let me think I'd broken my oath to protect people and save them. And he was never dead. And. He just. Showed up. What the hell was he thinking? He just showed up at my home. And God, Erin saw him. How do you explain something that even you don't understand, to an eight year old? I don't know anything anymore. I called Ice .. Tristan's out of the country, Sherry and Dante are down in Alabama, and .. Tango already has so much to do. And I just needed a shoulder, someone to lean on. I didn't really think Ice would show up before Jan had gone. But .. he did, and now Jan's lying on the living room floor with a goddamned broken rib, and. Or, he was. I don't know if he's woken up yet or not. Ice made sure to get us out of there before he could. And now .. I feel like we're intruding. Isn't that the way it always is? For Christ's sake, it's like. Psycho men trip over themselves to fuck with me. Or just men in general. Zeke. Jan returning from the dead. And my daughter has questions. Thank God the twins weren't awake. Ice has questions, and I'm sure his friend does. And. I don't even know how I can answer questions when questions are all I have too. with a broken wing (17) she still sings

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire .. [12/24/07] Chestnuts roasting on an open fire     Jack Frost nipping at your nose Yuletide carols being sung by a choir     And folks dressed up like eskimos Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe     Help to make to the season bright Tiny tots with eyes all a-glow     Will find it hard to sleep tonight. They know that Santa's on his way     He's loaded lots of toys and goodies On his sleigh     And every mother's child is gonna spy To see if reindeer really know how to fly     And so, I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety-two     Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas to you.         - Josh Groban, The Christmas Song My life has been crazy for the last few weeks. Jack's trip to Ireland aside, I've just been caught up in the flurry that is the time period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So much has happened. I suppose the biggest thing was .. meeting Ice Luciano. Earl, if my memory serves me correctly. But name or nickname, I'll be honest. When we left Los Angeles, I thought I'd never hear from him or Vincenzo again. Which made Mr. Luciano's visit quite the surprise. But, he was insistent on thanking me in person. I don't really know why. I didn't do all that much. But he came in, we chatted for a little bit, and it was nice. Even if I don't deserve it, hearing someone say 'thank you,' meant a lot. For a few minutes, there, I think I actually started to believe in myself as a doctor again. On top of meeting Ice, somehow .. we were conned into moving back to Los Angeles. Being in this city, it hurts. Driving by places Jan and I used to drive by, or walk by, or any of it .. there's a reason I left L.A. But Sherry had to come back eventually, and Jack is in Ireland, and even she has a branch here in L.A. for work. And Tango insisted I be nearby, especially with that stalker leaving those creepy comments on my journal. Even more creepy, they remind me of Jan, whenever he got that protective streak in his eyes. Whenever he thought there was anyone else but him for me. Sometimes, I miss those moments too. I mean, that's what you do, right? If you love someone, you take their faults with their blessings. At least, that's the way it should be. I messed that up, with Tristan. And, Jan and I never got far enough for me to succeed or fail. Anyway. There was the move, meeting Ice, registering Erin for school here. One of my old colleagues found out we were back in L.A., and the next thing I know, Cedars-Sinai is calling me to offer my old position back. I didn't take it. To be honest, I don't know how I could even consider stepping foot back in there. I lost myself, in that hospital. And, I don't just mean in the over-emotional way that I 'lost' myself when Tristan and I were struggling. I mean, quite simply, that I was a doctor. I was sworn to protect lives. The lives of my patients. But life in general, and when push came to shove, I didn't. I couldn't. And a part of me hates Jan, for that. I know why he gave that decision to me, but I hate it. And worse, I hate myself for it. Doctors don't take lives. And I guess that means I have a lot of soul searching to do. I don't know what else to do. I grew up with this dream, this dream of saving lives, and I ended that dream. I caused my own downfall. Enough of that. It's Christmas Eve and. I'm not going to let myself be sad. I have .. a menagerie of animals now, two beautiful daughters, and two handsome sons and, the more he and I put the past behind us, I'm surprised to say (pleasantly so), an ex-husband who really does care about the kids. I have my sisters, no matter how far we are physically. By all normal standards, I am lucky. I spent all week finishing up my Christmas shopping, making plans for Christmas dinner, for having the family over. It's been one noisy house since this morning, but it's been good. All of the presents are under the tree, and I have to keep fighting like crazy with Bella and RJ to keep them from sneaking under there like little sneaks. Luckily, Robbie has no idea what Christmas is, really. Erin's been delighted, already, with one of her presents. She still won't tell me what the cat's name is, but, even though a ferret would've been a bad decision, I decided to get her a kitten. Chaos has been eying that little ball of fur since I brought him home this afternoon. Of course, Chaos sticks to Tess like a burr, and Tess has been sticking to Tristan like a burr. And Tris -- you see the pattern, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm just rambling now. Maybe that's good, though. I invited Tango and Ice over tomorrow afternoon for an early dinner. See? When I have nothing else to do, I shop. And I think I bought enough presents for an entire third world country. Which, I did remember to donate to a few charities this year. Okay. I've got to get back to the craziness that is my family. Done rambling, for now. with a broken wing (2) she still sings

I don't want to run away, but I can't take it. I don't understand. [12/03/07] [ mood | crushed ] Cause I miss you,     Body and soul, so strong That it takes my breath away.     And I breathe you Into my heart and pray     For the strength to stand today Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right     And though I can't be with you tonight You know my heart is by your side.             Daniel Bedingfield, If You're Not The One Tango and Tristan have both been fluttering around here this weekend. Apparently, Jack ordered me to accept their help while she's gone. She wouldn't say where she was going, but already I miss her. She's the only one who .. even understands, right now. Of course, that might also be because .. I can't tell him. I can't tell him what's breaking my heart. [ PRIVATE ] I loved Jan .. with every fiber of my being. I love him. He was .. it for me. And. I. I never counted on meeting Tango. I didn't. I never counted on opening up to anyone. Not after Jan. I didn't even .. I don't even know what this all is. What Tango is. What he even wants to be. I don't know what I'm doing, because .. he haunts me. Every damn night, I see him. I see him every time I close my eyes, and .. someone had the nerve to say I didn't love him enough? They don't fucking know. They don't know that I sleep with his shirts. That when I let Jack or Sherry or Tango or Tristan hold me, I'm still dying inside. Every day, every night, no matter the strong faces I put on for the children, or the mask I wear to the rest of the world, his being gone kills me. How dare someone question that?! It's been almost a year! Am I not allowed to seek comfort? Am I not allowed to build bridges, build my life back up? AM I NOT ALLOWED TO LEARN TO SMILE AGAIN?! I hate this. I .. hate this. [ END PRIVATE ] she still sings

It's like whispering a prayer in the fury of a storm. [11/25/07] [ mood | sad ] One hand reaches out,     And pulls a lost soul from harm While a thousand more go unspoken for     And they say 'what good have you done, by saving just this one?'     It's like whispering a prayer In the fury of a storm.     And I hear them saying, 'You'll never change things     And no matter what you do, It's still the same thing.'     But it's not the world that I am changing I do this so this will know     That it will not change me.                 Garth Brooks - The Change I'm used to being alone by now. Or, I should be. Look where I am. Alone, cold. I stopped reaching out for help a long time ago. Maybe I isolate myself, I don't know. Maybe I hold on too hard. Tristan is back in Los Angeles with Ana. And while I don't begrudge them their love or family, it would have been nice. Nice to have a shoulder to lean on. It would have been nice for the twins to have at least one father back. Scotch has been so self-absorbed and arrogant lately -- is it any wonder he didn't come up for Thanksgiving? Sherry and Dante went to spend it with Vodka. Who the hell knows where Tequila is. Whiskey has her own children to think of too. Tango was here. So was Jack. And even with them here, I felt so alone. I know I'm not supposed to be doing this anymore. I'm supposed to let him go. He's gone and never coming back, and I'm so tired of Erin having to ask why her mommy's crying every night. That little girl doesn't need to know about pain or loss. She shouldn't have to, any more than she already does. RJ and Bella .. and Robbie. They don't understand it yet, thank God. It was nice dinner. Don't get me wrong. I think I would have gone crazy without Tango and Jack here. And Tango's daughter is absolutely adorable. But how long will it take for this loss to go away? We came home from the grocery store today .. Erin and I. I left the twins and Robbie at home with Jack. She's been so wonderful, too. We came home and .. God. If there weren't hundreds of flowers surrounding the door step. I'd wondered if they were from Tango or not. private: I wanted them to be from Tango. /private They weren't. They were from Mr. Luciano. Once I'd left Los Angeles, I didn't even think about finding out if he was still in a coma. And here I was, with wild flowers, daisies, roses, the works. And he wanted to meet me in person. To thank me. I didn't do much, but .. I don't know. Tess caught a squirrel the other day. I made her let it go, though. Chaos then caught the same squirrel. Poor thing. I swear, Tess and Chaos aren't normal animals. They're .. like. They've bonded. They. It's like they read each others' minds. It's a bit weird. Oh, and Evan Hartwell is a loser. There. I mentioned him. she still sings

Make new friends. [11/17/07] Everybody's watching you now.     Everybody waits for you now What happens next? What happens next?     I dare you to move, I dare you to move I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.     I dare you to move, I dare you to move Like today never happened,     Today never happened before.                 Switchfoot - Dare You to Move Tango came over the other night. He brought Phish Food. Which, undoubtably, is my favorite ice cream in all of ice-cream-dom. I mean, there's little chocolate fish, and now they've added chocolate cows to the mix for their 25th anniversary. And yes, damnit. I'm excited about chocolate cows. If you have a problem, you can go .. I don't know. Anyway, he brought those cute little fish over .. and the cows came along too, and. He laughed when I picked up the fish and asked him how he could say that wasn't the cutest thing ever. I think he was laughing at me though. But it was all in good fun. The company was nice. I think .. it's just nice knowing that he knows what it feels like. I mean, it's not nice that he had to go through that, but what's nice is knowing I'm really not alone. I know, my family is always there for me, but. They don't understand. Maybe they never can. I hope they never will. We just sat and talked .. about everything and nothing at all. He asked me if I'd like to go for a walk with him once a week. Just the two of us. Well, and Robbie. At least for a couple of weeks. He was all shy about it at first. And then he just kind of blurted the question out and. The truth is, maybe I need it. I'm not ready to go and sit in some group therapy session for lost loved ones. But maybe just talking with Tango is a start. private Last night, I slept with Jan's shirt again. It was a bad night. I let Tess sleep in bed with me. I think Chaos was somewhere on the bed too, since he usually sleeps right next to her. So much has happened in .. such a little amount of time, and I wonder .. will it ever end? Am I a walking magnet for disaster? Perhaps I should save Tango the trouble of getting to know me. Lord knows the last three people who got to know me ended up dead or despising my existence for a period of time. I just want .. to be normal again. And I'm not sure I ever will be. It's been six months, give or take a week, and I still have his ashes. God knows he didn't want to be bottled up in some jar for the rest of eternity, but I can't. I can't do it .. not yet. I wish to God he was still here, I wish .. a lot. And I know I have to stop wishing for that. Because it won't happen. He's gone for good. And I have .. four children to worry about. I don't have the luxury of wallowing in this misery. But it's so hard to climb out. she still sings

A sense of normalcy. [11/13/07] God put us here on this carnival ride     We close our eyes never knowing Where it will take us next.     Babies are born and at the same time Someone's taking their last breath.     It's the wheel of the world It's the wheel of the world turning around     In the blink of an eye, It can change your life and it never even slows down.     It's the wheel of the world                                 Carrie Underwood Things are beginning to settle down a little bit. Most of that is due to Robbie. It's hard to be consumed in your own grief when you have a precious little boy who demands all of your attention. Or, enough of your attention. Sherry and Dante have been great about sticking around. But eventually, they'll have to go back to their own life. I suppose Tristan still might show up. I'm not sure. But no matter what, we'll make it. We always have. Erin has been a joy to have. Sometimes, it's hard. It's hard to look at her and see Jan. But it's also comforting. I just hope he knows, wherever he is, that his daughter will always be loved. Our daughter. We went out for dinner a couple of nights ago. It'd been a long day, and Sherry needed some alone time. Alone time with Dante, I think. But I took the kids out for dinner. I sort of talked Erin out of Chuck E Cheese, or whatever that loud restaurant is that's around here. We settled on a nice little diner. And I wasn't really expecting company. But life usually hands you the unexpected. I was trying to drag over two of those high chair things. Which was difficult, considering I had Robbie in one of those strap on baby carrying pack things. I've never concerned myself with the actual name. Anyway, the gentleman who became company actually helped me with the high chairs. That's how I even met him. He said his name was Tango Ramirez. A detective. It was actually really nice to just be helped by a stranger. It's been a long time since that happened, actually. Since Jan and I met. Of course, I offered to buy him some coffee, asked him to join us. Which he did. After I strapped the twins in (oh, speaking of this -- Tristan, you're going to have to have a talk with your son. One that involves explaining why throwing macaroni & cheese at his sister is a bad thing.) we sat down. And ate dinner. He offered to go to the park with us one of these days. Erin perked right up at that. I agreed, of course. An outing might be fun. And now that he's told me about his daughter, I'm dying to meet her. It's also nice to have spoken to a .. kindred spirit, I guess. He lost his wife recently. It's obvious that he's still mourning, and I think that common ground .. helped. I need to get out of my own shell here. Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking to form some romance. But knowing that someone else out there is going through something similar helps. It helps even more knowing that I've met that person. Knowing that I can talk to him if I need to. He ended up paying for dinner. I owe him one. It felt good to get out for a little bit. Later, I told Erin she could invite Cameron over this weekend. And to the park, whenever we go. I think Erin will settle in nicely. I don't know. Maybe this truly is the new start that I've needed for a long time. I'll always miss Jan. And I know that the grieving process is far from over. But I can breathe again. I can smile again. It's a start. she still sings

Somewhere, out there. [11/06/07] He called her on the road,     From a lonely, cold hotel room Just to hear her say I love you one more time     And when he heard the sound Of the kids laughing in the background     He had to wipe away a tear from his eye. A little voice came on the phone,     He said "Daddy, when you coming home?" He said the first thing that came to his mind:     I'm already there, take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair.     I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind.     I'm your imaginary friend. And I know I'm in your prayers.     Oh, I'm already there. She got back on the phone,     Said "I really miss you darling. Don't worry about the kids, they'll be alright.     Wish I was in your arms, Lying right there beside you.     But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight. And I'll gently kiss your lips,     Touch you with my fingertips So turn out the light and close your eyes." I'm already there,     Don't make a sound, I'm the beat in your heart,     I'm the moonlight shining down. I'm the whisper in the wind     And I'll be there till the end Can you feel the love that we share?     Oh I'm already there. We may be a thousand miles apart,     But I'll be with you, wherever you are ( I'm already there. Take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind. And I'll be there till the end. Can you feel the love that we share? Oh I'm already there ... ) she still sings

Not As We. [10/30/07] [ mood | pensive ] Reborn and shivering     Spat out on new terrain Unsure, unconvincing     This faint and shaky hour Day one, day one     Start over again Step one, step one     I'm barely making sense For now I'm faking it,     Til I'm pseudo-making it From scratch, begin again     But this time I as I And not as we.         - Alanis Morissette - Not As We If life wasn't crazy enough already, right? So much has happened in the last week or two that my head is still spinning. Hannah came to see me .. which was just. An absolute blessing. She managed to keep me smiling for most of the day. And RJ and Bella were ecstatic to see her. Personally, I think she's been trying to bribe them into loving her the most (of all their aunts). It's probably working, too. In any case, I got a message from Erin shortly after Hannah left. For an eight year old, I was shocked to see some of the words she knows. But then, Erin has always been smart. She's more like her father than she will ever know. Needless to say, I was stunned when she told me her biological mother had passed away. There was this whole twenty-four hours of confusion and wondering and .. just as I was about to call Jan's lawyer (or, our lawyer), he called me. To his credit, he's been awfully patient with me. I've ignored him and pushed him away every time he's tried to contact me over the past six months. How could I .. God, I know it's wrong, but. How could I just let go. How could I move on, all clinically. This wasn't some patient of mine. Jan was .. my husband, my everything, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that .. Damnit. He never signed the damn divorce papers. When the hell he was going to tell me this, I don't know. I mean, he asked me to marry him again. I just. A part of me is comforted in knowing that, but really. Knowing that just makes it harder, too. Doesn't it? He was still mine, and I let that go. I let that go and I should've .. called more doctors. I should've done something more. And it's been .. a blessing, too. The lawyer confirmed what Erin had told me. Dani overdosed on drugs or something. The details are sort of a blur for me, you know? And Jan's will. God. I never wanted to be confronted with that. I didn't want to even know. There really wasn't enough money or stocks or .. material possessions in the world that could ever equal Jan's life. Until Erin. I have her. She's .. mine. God, what an adjustment this is. But it's true. It's in his will. He wanted me to have custody of her if anything happened to both Dani and himself. From there, it was a lot of legalities. Papers to sign, briefings on the rest of his will. By that time, I wasn't retaining much, except .. he took care of me. Of us. I don't deserve it, but he did. All of us. And he gave me something .. a few somethings .. to really live for. Erin's been here for almost five days. She's .. I think scared and happy all at once. And she doesn't really understand what happened to her mother. Why should she? She's only eight. She shouldn't have to face that. Not yet. She's been taking care of RJ and Bella .. and that blasted pig she brought home. I could .. I just. A pig. Really. He's clean, I guess, but Tess and Chaos look like they each want to eat him, for very different reasons. I don't know how I'm going to make this work. I don't. But I will, won't I? I have to. For Jan. For Erin. For Bella and RJ, and Robbie. Sherry's staying with me until Robbie is born. She keeps going back and forth between here and San Francisco to see Vodka, and .. God, I feel horrible for not visiting Vee. I've been so consumed in my pain that .. I'll fix it. I'll fix everything. I don't know how yet, but I will. she still sings

I Believe. [10/20/07] Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin       I feel you come back again, and it's like You haven't been gone a moment from my side,       Like the tears were never cried, Like the hands of time were holding you and me. And with all my heart, I'm sure       We're closer than we ever were I don't have to hear or see,       I've got all the proof I need There are more than angels watching over me.       I believe, oh I believe. Now when you die, your life goes on       It doesn't end here, when you're gone Every soul is filled with light, it never ends       If I'm right, our love can even reach across eternity I believe, oh I believe Forever, you're a part of me       Forever in the heart of me I will hold you even longer if I can       Oh the people who don't see the most See that I believe in ghosts       Well if that makes me crazy, then I am Cause I believe, oh I believe There are more than angels watching over me.       I believe, oh I believe. ( Every now and then .. soft as breath upon my skin. I feel you come back again .. and I believe.. ) she still sings

The truth is.. [10/11/07] The truth is, I'm scared. I'm alone, and I'm scared. The ultrasounds have been fine. The baby is growing as he should be, I've been keeping up with healthy eating habits. And I'm afraid. Jan isn't here, and I don't know how to do this alone. Not again. I know I have family, that isn't .. it's not what terrifies me. I woke up from that coma, from .. that near crisis, to Tristan holding my hand. Begging me to wake up. But he was there, holding my hand, and no matter how much time he and I had lost, he was there at the end. Jan isn't here. He's .. gone, and he won't ever come back. He won't ever hold my hand again. And I'm afraid. she still sings

Three months, and it's still harder. [09/29/07] It's never okay .. but it will get better. I just have to remember that. Robbie's been kicking a lot lately. Maybe he knows his .. no. I'm not doing that to myself. I just. I wish he was here, you know? He should be seeing the ultrasounds, the progress. He should be ... And he's not. He's not here. And I'm alone, again. I don't want his money. I don't want his damn titles and fortune and stocks. I just want him back. I would give up .. everything just to have him back. ( private ) I haven't tried to call that man since .. that little breakdown. To be honest, stranger hero though he may be, he doesn't need my baggage. So this is for the best. she still sings

Letters to Heaven, part I [handwritten] [09/25/07]       There are times I swear I know you're here .. when I forget about my fears, feeling you my dear. Watching over me, and my hope sings of what the future will bring when you wrap me in your wings and take me where you are .. where you and I will breathe together once again. We'll be dancing in the moonlight just like we used to do, and you'll be smiling back at me .. There are days .. there are days when I feel so alone. As a doctor, you're trained to tell the family that it may never be `okay,` but that it will get better. But this doesn't feel like it will ever get better. I never got the chance to say everything I needed to say to you. I never got the chance to tell you how much I really wanted to be your wife again. And damnit, I don't understand. I don't understand why this happened. Why I was given the chance to love again, only to have it ripped away. Am I that evil? Do I deserve this much pain? I miss you .. more than I can bear. More than I can ever say. I miss the feel of you laying next to me. Not doing anything but just .. sleeping. Holding me. I miss your smile, the way it lit up whenever RJ threw his food at you. I miss the way you smiled whenever Bella started hitting you, demanding to be picked up. We came so far, didn't we? I remember the first time we ever "talked." That stupid little survey, the dare to go skydiving. I remember the first time you ever kissed me. And I don't get it. I can't understand it. If this is .. karma .. I wish I'd been the one taken instead. I'm not as strong as you. You'll never get to meet your son, and it kills me. I would give anything .. anything to have one more day with you. Just one. Just one more day to see the mischief in your eyes, to feel your arms around me. I left Los Angeles. I couldn't live there anymore .. not in our house. It felt so empty without you. And my brother left town, Tristan disappeared .. Dane's brother died. How did I ever get so alone, Jan? We were supposed to have it all. Bella and RJ don't understand. They keep asking me when Daddy's going to come home. When he's coming back. And I tried to explain. I did. I tried to tell them that you can't come home anymore. That you're .. with the angels and .. how can I explain when I don't even understand it myself? Are you happy? Wherever you are, is it .. a good place? I can't stop wondering if you can see us. And if you can, stop watching me in the shower damn it. Do you know, wherever you are, how much I love you? You were .. it for me. You were the one thing worth fighting for, besides my children. And now you're gone, and I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. For leaving me to pick up the broken pieces. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. No .. that's not true. How could I possibly? Your son will know who you were. He'll know that you were an amazing man. He'll know how much you loved us all. I promise you that. And I will never forget the way you loved me. Everything you did for me. I hope you know that, too. Wherever you are Jan. We love you. Forever and always. You were my angel. You always will be. - Brandy she still sings

000. A New Life. [09/25/07] ONE WAY IS HOLDING ON, ONE WAY IS BEING STRONG THERE'S TWO WAYS TO SAY GOODBYE ( And I don't know .. this could break my heart or save me.. ) she still sings

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]